Standing Pat

Tomorrow's the unofficial "getaway day" for Thanksgiving weekend, and I'm glad as hell that I don't have to fly anywhere. If I did, I'd probably get arrested for kicking the living crap out of one of the snarky little douchebags taking part in the "don't look at my pathetic little genitals" protest that's supposedly going to happen tomorrow. What's the matter, you crybabies--that the TSA is keeping you too safe? Look, there are two ways to ensure that air travel is safe from demented individuals who think nothing of horrifically killing themselves and others to make a political point. One is to keep dangerous people off the planes, and the other is to keep dangerous items off the planes. We've tried to do the former, but that gets the "You-Can't-Say-That-Even-If-It's-True" Gestapo mobilized, so this is what you're left with. I don't care if the monitors are being watched and the pat-down searches are being conducted by Ricky Martin himself (and let's face it, your screener is far more likely to resemble Bruce Vilanch). I'd rather have my junk fondled a million times over than be on the plane where someone managed to slip a weapon through.

Don't Tase Me Bro

Delaware police: Death renews outcry against use of Taser

Attention all felons, miscreants, and members of oppressed minority groups: here's a foolproof method to not get killed by a taser:

OBEY ALL INSTRUCTIONS FROM POLICE OFFICERS.

Simple. Police do a dangerous job, where they're never sure who's going to be the lunatic who pulls a gun, knife, broken bottle, sharpened toothbrush, or whatever, and try to seriously maim or kill them. Their choices are to risk death and dismemberment themselves, put a bullet into the suspect, or drop them with a taser. The taser is a compromise between options 1 and 2. The way to let them know that you're not going to be that maniac who's going to put them in danger? Obey the police. Think you're being singled out for no good reason? Obey the police anyway. The time to redress violations of your civil liberties is with your lawyer, after whatever situation you're part of has passed. You have the benefit of over 200 years of refinement of police procedures and your rights that have put numerous remedies in place for dealing with police misconduct, whether negligent or malicious. Don't fight the cops. Don't get tased. Don't be the guy with an undiagnosed heart condition who gets killed by the taser. It really is that simple.

Why Bother?

From Taco Bell's own website comes the description of their new XXL Chalupa:

An XXL-sized crispy Chalupa shell packed with seasoned ground beef, crispy lettuce, fiesta salsa, a blend of three cheeses–cheddar, pepper jack and mozzarella–and nacho cheese sauce, red strips and topped with reduced-fat sour cream.

The emphasis, of course, is all mine. This bad boy tops out at 650 calories and 39 grams of fat...but just imagine what it could have been if they hadn't used reduced-fat sour cream!

Now We Know Why He Wears #4

I really hope our lawmakers are watching the NFL and Commissioner Goodell very closely right now, because there's a lesson to be learned here on how a good law or policy can go bad if it's pushed too far. Or in this case, too Favre.

The NFL's personal conduct policy was born out of the best intentions. At the time it was conceived, the league and its players had a real image problem. Tank Johnson, Pacman Jones, the Vikings' party boat, the fact that most of the Cincinnati Bengals' starting lineup was standing in police lineups on a regular basis--all of this was giving the image that the NFL's players were out-of-control madmen, and really, some of them were. So Goodell and Co. came up with the idea that if you got in trouble off the field, you'd be suspended from the league for a certain amount of time.

And at first, it worked just as intended. Players who committed crimes and were arrested, charged, and convicted were forced to sit out, hurting their team and costing them real money. And some of these guys were convicted of real crimes--weapons charges, animal cruelty, even manslaughter.

But then there was Roethlisberger. Big Ben was accused of sex crimes not once, but twice. Of course that's a serious accusation, and should be taken seriously. But in both cases, the police investigated and found there was nothing to charge Roethlisberger with, since poor judgment/taste in women isn't against the law. But the league decided that wasn't good enough, and so they slapped a suspension on Ben for a crime with which he was never charged, let alone convicted.

And so here we are, and now here's Brett Favre, sending voice mails and pictures of his junk to a Jets "game hostess" (whatever that is) turned Playboy/Maxim model turned token look-at-my-boobs woman host on the Versus network. IF these embarrassing messages and pictures (the voice mails sound like an eighth-grader asking his hot chemistry lab partner to the harvest dance, and the pictures--well, let's just say there's not a whole lotta junk in the junk) came from Favre, then he's clearly in the wrong, as a married man. But why on earth is the NFL commissioner's office investigating this? This happened two years ago, so if this bimbo didn't complain about it when it happened, that's a pretty clear sign that she didn't consider it to be harassment, and that should be as far as it goes. The NFL isn't the Sex Police, the Marriage Police, or anything in between. And yet somehow here we are, at the bottom of the slippery slope, with Goodell acting like he has a papal appointment as Grand High Inquisitor. This is something that should be between a man and his wife, not man and boss or man and public. That's something we'd all do well to remember.

Delaware Gets Teabagged

Great job, Delaware Republicans. Way to throw away a sure U.S. Senate seat pickup in favor of a lost cause. Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face. Look, I don't agree with Castle's voting record 100% either (most notably his support for cap-and-trade, but that's a topic for another time). We could have sent a moderate Republican who can work with the Democrats in Congress and the White House, engaging in discussion rather than screeching and feces-flinging that's better suited to howler monkeys than elected officials. Instead, we've got a choice between Christine O'Donnell, a paranoid maniac who can't manage her own finances and believes that pregnant rape victims should be forced by law to carry the consequences of their attack to term, and Chris Coons, a man who's never been elected to office above the county level (the highest office he's held is county executive--the equivalent of being mayor of a city with a population of around half a million) and managed to convert a budget surplus when he took office into a whopping deficit in just four years, only managing to pull out of it with three property tax hikes over that same period.

There are no high cards in this hand, folks....just a bunch of jokers. That's why I'll be pulling the lever for Libertarian Jim Rash in November. It's a wasted vote, but it's the only call I can make in this election that'll allow me to sleep at night.

Mosque Pit

Remember that episode of The Simpsons where they go to the carnival, and Homer has them deep-fry his shirt? Remember this exchange between Homer and Marge?

Homer: And you said they couldn't deep-fry my shirt!

Marge: I didn't say they couldn't, I said you shouldn't.

That's pretty much how it is with the "Ground Zero Mosque". Yes, it's not technically on the site of the former World Trade Center, but it was close enough to be hit by one of the planes' landing gear. There's no denying that the group trying to build this mosque has the right to do so--the First Amendment guarantees that. But isn't it funny that most of the people who are defending the decision to put this here are the ones crying for "sensitivity" in other situations? How about, just this once, showing some sensitivity to the victims and their families, and just stepping this mosque back a few blocks? And while I'm not in any way condoning vandalism, if it happens in this case, those who chose the location will have to shoulder their share of the responsibility. Or at least as much of the responsibility as America deserves for the 9/11 attacks.

His Toughest Case Yet

Matlock has taken on a new client--one that he might not be able to get off the hook with a dramatic cross-examination and a piece of last-minute surprise evidence. Andy Griffith is teaming up with Medicare to extol the virtues of ObamaCare to senior citizens (who tend to vote in the highest numbers).

I have no idea if ol' Andy got paid, or if he volunteered out of the goodness of his heart, but that's immaterial. This is a (supposedly) party-neutral government agency, funded 100% by our tax dollars to subsidize health care and medicine for our senior citizens, spending that tax money on TV propaganda to extol the virtues of a partisan program put into place by the ruling party (for the moment.) This is the kind of crap we, Americans of all parties, used to cry foul over when it happened in other countries. Wake up, and keep this in mind when you're deciding who to vote for in November.

Weekend Without Common Sense

Let's have a "Weekend Without Oil"....because oil companies are evil, MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

Go check out the site and all of its pomposity, specifically, its first two points. Better yet, I'll list them right here.

1. Walk or ride your bike: Avoid using cars and if you must, always try to carpool. Transportation accounts for 40 percent of our petroleum consumption and is easily one of the biggest areas we need to improve upon.
2. Enjoy the outdoors: Avoid buying new sporting equipment, since oil makes up nearly 25% of rubber. Footballs or basketballs, for example, can last for many years and used equipment is often just as good and will reduce demand for oil needed to make new rubber.

They didn't even bother to put some space between points number 1 and 2 on their list. Walk or ride your bike, but don't use any rubber! I don't know about you, but I just love walking barefoot on streets and sidewalks in mid-August.

These clowns do a great job of promoting the "drill-baby-drill" agenda, by showing just how much in our society depends on oil, and just how bad life is going to suck if we restrict the supply and tax the shit out of it, like certain people who can afford it seem to want to do.

I Know What They're Really Saying

Probably because one would need divine power in order to "perform" for these oinkers.

H/T to the San Francisco Weekly blogs and Nick Lucchesi on Twitter.

If You're Reading This...

...then Homer Simpson has something to tell you.

No, seriously. They did a study and everything. Of course, that's only true of other, lesser blogs. Reading this one makes you 100% more masculine and heterosexual. Kind of like the Old Spice Guy. Although watching that commercial might make you gay too. I'm not sure. I'll let you know after I watch it a few more times.

New Blogroll Link: The Oily Pelican

I've got a new site in my blogroll section, and it's one that I'm reading daily: The Oily Pelican. It's written by a friend of mine who, in her own words, "decided to trade in her cushy desk job for chest waders, snake boots, and 90-degree heat to go help with the environmental effort on the Louisiana coast." It's a firsthand account, not filtered through some PR department or condensed into a press release, and that's really important if you care at all about what's going on down there. (And if you don't, then you're a sorry excuse for a human being, and I pray for your death.)

Craig Kilborn Must Die

Or his new show must be canceled. I'm not a picky man.

No, I've never seen it. But here in the greater Philly area, the local Fox affiliate has removed their last syndicated Simpsons slot in favor of this dreck that appears to be, based on the commercials, the gawdawful TMZ-on-TV meets the admittedly-funny early Daily Show. The nightly Simpsons rerun is what I'd relied on to watch/listen to as I drift off to sleep every night. I'd seen them all a hundred times, so I never worried about missing anything, and hey, anything's better than being alone in the dark with only your own thoughts trying to go to sleep, right?

I guess it's on to House reruns as a replacement, at least for the time being. But I shudder to think about the effect on my brain absorbing that guy into my subconscious as I teeter on the edge of sleep. I just hope it doesn't turn me into a cynical, sarcastic jerk.