My friend Squidly runs a great Seattle Seahawks fan/news site called simply, Hawk News Daily. His site will be in the NFL Preview issue of Sports Illustrated, and they're running a poll to vote for the best one. Head on over and give him a vote!
Monday, August 21, 2006
I've been loving the hell out of this series. I was up till the wee hours last night watching the extra-inning victory for my Yanks last night, so this update is probably going to suck. But here's what a day in the life of me and my Red Sox fan friend Pat looks like when a game is on during working hours, in the spirit of Doug Mirabelli's Day, and extracted from our e-mail conversations:
7:30 - Joel wakes up, realizes it’s the start of the 5 game showdown at Fenway. Calls Pat on cell phone, calls him a shitdick 30 times.
7:33 - Joel puts fist through window after seeing footage of A-rod and Jeter botching routine pop up in last night's loss to the Orioles
7:41 - Joel goes down to basement, throws bucket of fishheads to person he has trapped down there…
1:10 - Joel puts feet up on desk, starts watching game.
1:12: Damon rips a leadoff triple into the rightfield corner, Joel lahffs and lahffs.
1:14 – Pat turns on Fox Sports tracker to see man on third and no one out against Jason Johnson. Pat rolls his eyes, unsurprised.
1:17 – Pat sees Derek Jeter has knocked Damon in and fallen behind to Abreu. Thought cloud forms above pat’s head of Jason Johnson wetting himself on mound.
1:21 – Thought bubble appears over Pat’s head of Jason Johnson at 6 o'clock tonight on the shoulder of I-95 with a hobo bindle and holding cardboard sign with “Wilmington” scribbled on it.
1:26 - Joel makes disparaging remarks about E-Rod’s sexual orientation following his latest strikeout.
1:27 - Pat smirks.
1:45 - Joel laughs at the Jimmy Fund babble on the TV instead of the NESN announcers while the game's going on.
1:46 – Pat can’t help but laugh as well.
1:51 – Pat reads Wikipedia article saying the British bought Berkshire county Massachusetts for 400 pounds, 3 barrels of cider, and 20 barrels of rum. Pat shakes fist at screen and says “those rich snobby Indians”. Pat then sees Jason Johnson made it through the second unscathed. Thought bubble appears over head with question mark in it.
2:08 - Joel gets a Coke from the soda machine and notices his change is a Mass state quarter. Thinking this an ill omen, he exorcises any possible curse by taking it to the men’s room, dropping it in a urinal, then using same.
2:23 - Joel laughs as the Red Sox leave the bases loaded. Wishes he had some booze to put into his Coke.
2:31 - Pat rolls eyes. Runs highlight reel in his head of his dramatic, series clinching, 10 inning win over Cardinals in PS2-land last night to make himself feel better.
2:37 - Wang gives up his first run. Joel spits at his screen.
2:38 - Pat cheers for Sox first run…and laughs at Joel’s use of the word Wang.
2:45 - ...and the avalanche of Yankee runs begins.
2:48 - Joel yells out the John Sterling call “Positively Damonic!” at the replay of Johnny D touching ‘em all. Then salutes the replay of Captain Jeter’s followup base hit. Laughs as Johnson heads to the dugout in shame. Says “Johnson” a few more times. Giggles.
2:52 - Pat wonders of groundskeepers had to clean up pile of filth left on mound after Jason Johnson defecated himself on the mound during that last inning. Calls Joel a shitdick for using the term “giggle.”
3:10 - Joel sees bad, bad things in store after Man-Ram’s dinger.
3:22 - Pat raises an eyebrow after Hinske’s double. Hmmm…
3:26 – Pat concludes 1 run is better than none. However, sees another Damon homer in near future.
3:37 - Joel claps and cheers for the Giambino. 2 run lead and we’re still threatening a Boston jobber I’ve barely even heard of.
3:37 - Lowell makes a rare error and Snyder folds like a cheap tent. Pat supposes he can't be too angry at Snyder, he is what he is, but it's been a common theme the last 6 weeks. Get right back in the game, then give the game back. Common theme the last 6 weeks. Pat is about as unsurprised as they come.
3:38 – Pat informs Joel that Kyle Snyder was cut by the Royals in May.
3:39 - Joel applauds A-Rod’s ribbie double—about time he helped them win a game instead of lose one.
3:40 – Pat grumbles, "Get back into the game then give the game back. Same shit, different day."
3:41 - Joel reminds Pat that Aaron Guiel was cut by the Royals too, but the Yankees managed to hang in there through his tenure in right.
3:43 - Pat informs Joel he was simply stating a fact, and that he has admitted many times his anger and frustration over the sox (save for Papi, Manny, and Schill, and a couple others) folding like a cheap tent at the slightest sign of adversity.
3:47 – Pat remembers stating after they lost 5 of 6 to the Devil Rays and Royals that the Sox didn’t deserve to make the playoffs. Reflects on how much he hates being right all the time.
3:47 - Joel reminds pat that even though it looks like the Sox have pretty effectively shit the bed, anything can and often does happen to Joel’s teams. And if that’s not consolation enough, the Sox get to face Sidney Ponson for game 2. Joel’s not sure which will be higher for ol’ Sid, his ERA or his blood alcohol content.
3:51 – Pat thanks Joel for consolation. Closes Fox Sports ticker. Realizes he has lost the ability to feel disgust…as all his disgust was used up after they lost 5 of 6 to the D-Rays and Royals.
3:53 - Joel suggests Pat reopen his ticker, as Mark Loretta has just led off the bottom half with a double, knocking Wang out of the game.
3:54 - Pat gives a jerk-off mimic, feigns excitement. Re-opens ticker anyways.
3:59 - Papi grounds out to the mound. Joel resolves that if the Yankees get out of this with 8-3 lead intact, he’s heading for home.
4:02 – Pat concludes he mentally checked out of work about two hours ago after he got his conference call done. Will fill out one more form then check out patio party.
4:03 - Posada grabs the popup to end the inning, Joel heads for the parking lot, assuring Pat he WILL be calling later.
4:07 Pat gives Joel finger through computer.
Nice to see that a work day can be so productive!
Posted by Beast at 11:19 AM
Saturday, August 19, 2006
I made a couple of changes to the site while I watched the last few innings of the Yankees twin killing of the hated Red Sox this evening....
-I fixed the link to the Brooklyn Blowhard's latest blog incarnation. His link was redirecting back to this site. Ironically, I made the error while stone cold sober, but found and fixed it after downing the better part of a twelve-pack of Old Milwaukee Light. For the HTML nerds, I put a - in place of the = in the "a href" tag. If you like this site, you'll like quasi-XM-celebrity Blowhard more...and he updates more often than I do.
-I also put up a link to my very own MySpace page. I'm curious to see if I have any regular readers beyond the Blowhard and the six other people I know in real life. So if you've made my site part of your regular reading ritual (see how I used alliteration there?), then head on over to my MySpace page and add me as a friend. Then you can berate me to update more often and to be wittier when I do decide to post something.
Thanks for reading, everyone, and have a great weekend. I'm going to enjoy the rest of the Sox-Yankees series, and I'll be back next week.
Posted by Beast at 1:19 AM
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Forget bookmaking, truck hijacking, extortion, and all those other fun activities mobsters engage in on The Sopranos. According to Microsoft, organized crime's next target will be online role-playing games like World of Warcraft and Everquest. Shouldn't Microsoft focus their efforts on keeping their own software secure instead of worrying about other developers' products?
Still, it should make for some interesting quotes....
"Leave the Thunderfury...take the cannoli."
"Hey, you got a phone? Two night elves just stole my truck."
"It's an Orcish message. It means Luca Brasi sleeps with the murlocs."
"Oh I like this one... One core hound goes one way, the other core hound goes the other way, and this paladin's sayin', "Whadda ya want from me?'"
"I don't want my brother coming out of that dungeon instance with just his dick in his hands, alright?"
Posted by Beast at 12:42 PM
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Anyone still think we're not at war?
At least 24 savages (at the time of this writing, 10 more are being sought) planned to get onto airplanes--fully loaded jumbo jets--traveling from England to the U.S., and blow them up in flight. Anyone still think we shouldn't be actively going after these animals?
The casualties from this attack, had it gone off as planned, could have rivaled or surpassed those from September 11th, and these creeps were armed with "mere" conventional weapons. Anyone still think we shouldn't react to intelligence suggesting that people willing to do business with anyone are trying to get WMDs?
These people continue to attack our civilians as well as our soldiers, while using their own civilians as cover for their criminal activities. They have no government with which to practice diplomacy and try to find a peaceful resolution. Anyone still think we shouldn't defend ourselves?
If you do, do us all a favor: stay away from the voting booths. Keep hiding your head in the sand and let those with the guts protect you.
Posted by Beast at 4:51 PM