Saturday, March 24, 2007

I Can't Drive 55

I'm making this post from the living room of my parents' house near Reading, Pa. after watching tonight's NCAA action further jeopardize my pool-winning hopes. The road I took from my office in Delaware is a winding two-lane that passes through what used to be some idyllic country and is now McMansion developments and strip malls, and can be frustrating, as passing zones are few and far between. Many's the time I've arrived stressed and angry, in search of a first Friday's scotch, and with the light drizzle tonight, my drive started off as another of those, at least for a while. In the interest of avoiding potential legal repercussions, I did not perform any of the actions listed here; I merely offer advice to my fellow two-lane travelers.

Few things can be more frustrating than being stuck behind an Amish horse and buggy. I respect their right to practice their religion, but their proverbial right to swing their fists ends when they hit my proverbial nose, and there's just no place for the horse and buggy on the modern road. (I speak in parable in case someone prints this post out and shows it to them, and the printout doesn't cause their eyes to spontaneously burst into flames.) Fortunately, I've found a simple enough way to encourage them to remove themselves from in front of you. Simply place the most explicit rap CD you can find in your car stereo, roll down the windows, and turn the volume up to the point where every filthy dirty curse word is plainly audible, but before the bass distorts and drowns out said lyrics. DMX is good, but he has a tendency to use a word that probably doesn't upset the Amish very much, owing to their lack of melanin. Even better is Eminem--he compensates for his inability to use the dreaded "N-word" by tossing out extra helpings of F-bombs.

Almost as annoying is the old folks in a jalopy who insist on driving at least ten miles per hour below the posted speed limit. (Folks, if either you or your car can't go the limit, then at least one of you doesn't belong on that stretch of road.) You might think it's a good idea to helpfully flash your lights at them to let them know you're back there and need to get by before riding up on their tailgate. However, this might cause the old man driving to wake his dozing wife in the passenger seat and say something along the lines of "Get 'im, Flossie!" This, in turn, may cause her to take her camera, point it at your car through their back windshield, and snap off pictures so that the flash makes you back off in terror. Should you be faced with this life-and-death situation, begin by making a Vulcan "V" with your four fingers (your index and middle fingers will suffice if you can't do it with all four), then flick your tongue in and out rapidly in the middle. Should this not sufficiently diminish her aggression, make a fist, press your thumb and index finger to the right side of your lips, bulge out your left cheek with your tongue, and move the fist to and fro. Finally, should this fail to adequately motivate, make a "thumbs-up" sign, rotate it ninety degrees, and drag the thumb across your throat from left to right while laughing hysterically. Bonus points if you actually draw blood with your thumbnail. This will cause them to turn into the first available Wawa bathroom to change their now-soiled-with-terror Depends.

Follow these tips and you too can navigate a two-lane road to your destination with sanity intact. Not that I've tried them myself, mind you.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007


Geico's cavemen to get ABC sitcom pilot

This news doesn't make me sick so much as sad. I'm not a card-carrying member of the PTC, so I'm not going to use my soapbox to call for a boycott, or an advertiser protest, or complaints to the FCC. I certainly wouldn't dream of watching this infomercial-with-commercial-breaks (the only infomercials I watch are the ones with Ron Popeil). But in a free economy, we get the shows we deserve, and the ones we deserve are whatever people are willing to watch so that the networks can sell commercials. This show is looking more and more likely with every news report and blog post (yes, I'm guilty too) that gives it free publicity before it even comes out, and while I can hope and pray that it dies a swift ratings death, I'm reminded of this old chestnut. We get what we ask for; we get what we deserve...and the next time you're bemoaning the cancellation of an intelligent, original TV show that you love, thank all the knuckledraggers who think shows about advertising pitchmen are entertainment. If I want to see cavemen, I'll set my Tivo to search Boomerang for this guy: