Wednesday, July 29, 2009

To The Birthers:

It's real. The controversy is over. Now STFU, please. Now. Seriously. You're an embarrassment to conservatives everywhere. Like in, ELF-to-the-liberals-level embarrassment. Like in, the-government-is-responsible-for-September-11th-to-all-Americans-level embarrassment. Like in, the-moon-landing-was-fake-to-the-entire-human-race-level embarrassment. You're the reason I have to whisper that I'm a Republican. You're the reason people roll their eyes and shake their heads when they overhear my whispers anyway. Just go away, before you tar us all with your brush for the 2010 election cycle.

Because, in the midst of trying to reduce a huge deficit, you grant $50,000 to a private company so that they can make instant French fry vending machines, with the promise of more state money to come once a working prototype is completed.

Is it just a coincidence that the owner of the company is both the neighbor and nephew-in-law of the head of the state senate's Bond Bill committee?

This is the fiscal equivalent of someone who needs to lose a hundred pounds sitting down for a nice healthy breakfast of Snicker Bar Pancakes.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Sock Puppets

My great home state has found a way to cut nearly 10% off their budget deficit without raising tax rates one red cent--legal sports gambling. Now two buttinsky senators--Hatch (R-UT) and Kyl (R-AZ), to be specific--want to shut it down before it even gets started. Their reasoning? Sports betting "threatens the integrity of the pastimes our citizens enjoy and the nature of the games they follow." Thank you, Senators, for your concern over the integrity of our entertainment while our troops are still fighting the war on terror and our economy is still in recession. Funny how this never came up when sports betting was limited to Las Vegas. Wait a minute...Utah and Arizona both border Nevada. Surely these two aren't influenced at all by campaign contributions from their local casino owners. Look carefully and you can almost see the hands up their asses making their mouths move.

Friday, July 10, 2009

MADD About Beer

Some special interest groups are like unions: they were formed for a good cause, but outgrew that initial purpose as they gained political traction. Take MADD, for example. No one is denying that DUI crashes are a terrible thing, and MADD is to be commended for getting the nation to take them seriously. But do they really need to go after (the excellent) Flying Fish Brewery over a line of specialty beers that pay mock tribute to the legendary Jersey Turnpike? If they're promoting drunken driving, then maybe MADD should go after Fat Tire next (okay, it's a bike tire, but you could still mess yourself up pretty good weaving around on a bike). And they must really hate these commemorative NASCAR beer steins! Do they really think a beer's name is going to influence (by definition) grown adults to get liquored up and slalom down the Jersey Turnpike...or at least any more often than that already happens? Or is this just another publicity grab by a special interest group that's outgrown its original mission?