Wednesday, April 28, 2010

The Iran With The Plan

They must have one helluva think tank over there in Iran. They've come up with a way to prevent both earthquakes and melanoma....all at the same time! I don't know how we manage to avoid an all-out war with a government as reactionary and backwards-thinking as this. How are we even supposed to relate to this? We have iPads and astronauts; they blame seismic events on the giant man in the sky getting mad. And these are the people we're supposed to want to improve our relationships with?

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Wii-bles Wobble And Sometimes Fall Down

The headline on the front page of reads: "Woman's Persistent Genital Arousal Blamed on Wii Fit". But open the article, and you'll get a completely different story. But you've got to hand it to them. Sex sells, and so do cool tech toys. Sexy tech? As Jim Breuer would say, "Jackpot!" See, this woman's problems weren't caused by some weird exercise or yoga pose that the Wii Fit told her to do. No, this clumsy bitch slipped and fell off the equipment and damaged a nerve. C'mon, Fox...this wouldn't even be a story if her condition were a result of falling off a treadmill. You can (justly) criticize other media outlets all you want, but running stories like this for the sake of ratings/clickthroughs/ad impressions just makes you look like a bunch of hypocrites.

Friday, April 09, 2010

Slow and Steady Wins The Race Gets You Yelled At

The 2010 baseball season is five days old, and already my beloved Yankees are the source of controversy. Seems the crew chief of their opening series against the hated Red Sox, Cowboy Joe West, wasn't happy with the pace of Tuesday night's game.

Well, excu-u-u-u-u-se us, fatbody. The game takes time because the teams take their time. This is only one of the most important series all year for both teams, teams who are going to be neck and neck at each other all year with not only a playoff spot but possible home field advantage for the ALCS and a trip to the World Series and, oh, yeah, by the way, about a gajillion zillion dollars on the line, God forbid they play the game deliberately, neither throwing the ball right down the chute or swinging at pitches in the dirt. If you don't like it, you can always go be an NFL referee...oh, that's right, I forgot, they don't pay as much as MLB does, so your fat lazy ass would have to get a job for the eight months of the year they're not in season, and no, I'm not counting the playoffs in that, because with your attitude and your Grand Canyon-sized strike zone, there's no way you'd ever get named to a postseason crew. If you don't understand the dynamics of the division structure or the fact that fans of this rivalry would gladly watch these two teams go head to head for eight hours, let alone four, then maybe it's time for you to move on and focus on your music career.