Tuesday, June 02, 2009

My Divorce

I guess I should start at the beginning of this story. It all started when I moved into my house in the summer of 2002, and immediately broke up with my first TV provider, Comcast. She'd turned into a real bitch over the past couple of years, and I probably should have done it long before then, but she was my first, and hey, I was getting what I needed regularly. But once I was in the new house, her customer service got all bitchy and uncooperative, and who needs that? So it was so long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye.

And hello to the love of my life, DirecTV. More channels. Less money. Better picture. We were happy, oh so happy. A couple of years later, our little Tivo unit came along, and it truly was the greatest day of my life. We raised it right--so that sports was the only thing it ever showed live, and I never had to sit through any commercials.

Fast forward a couple of more years, and now DirecTV and I also have a new HDTV. And that was what changed everything. DirecTV just didn't look as attractive anymore with her non-HD signal. Oh, sure, most of her programming could be zoomed in to take advantage of my bigger 16:9 set, and it was certainly a decent, watchable picture. But how could I be happy at home knowing that there's better looking HD programming out there for a reasonable price? They were everywhere I went--bars, hotels, even friends' houses, flaunting their beautiful 1080p's right in front of my face.

The most persistent of all of these was Verizon FIOS. She sent me love letters, promising to do things no TV provider had ever done to me before. Heck, to do things I didn't even know a TV provider could do. She'd do things to my phone, and to my computers too. DirecTV and Comcast wouldn't touch those. (Well, Comcast had been willing, but only if I gave her way more money than it was worth.) Then she started in with the phone calls, promising all the sweet nothings she'd provide, and how little she wanted in return. Luckily, I was able to delete the messages off my answering machine before DirecTV heard.

Then, last night came the big blowup. Our little Tivo unit was starting to go astray, running with a bad crowd that got poor reception on the signal. DirecTV insisted that it would cost money to have it fixed, even though I knew it was far too late to turn it around. For my part, I wanted DirecTV to get an HD job. I know she can still look just as good as those other services, if she only wanted to. But she refused to do it without some stiff upfront charges, no matter how much I pleaded, wheedled, and even threatened to leave.

So this morning, I did it. I gave into temptation. I finally called up Verizon FIOS and told her to get her gorgeous little installation package over here just as quickly as she could. She's moving in a week from Monday, and bringing me HD DVR service, free long distance, and faster internet (just to name a few of her services), all for about the same price I was paying before to get none of those from DirecTV. I'm so excited, I keep reading the e-mail over and over because I just can't believe she's moving in with me.

As for DirecTV, I've got the papers drawn up, just waiting to serve them. But I'm sure she'll land on her feet. The last I heard from her, she'd gotten the HD upgrade after all, and was heading north to shack up with my father.

3 comments:

  1. FIOS doesn't have NFL Sunday Ticket... you might as well be marrying Rosie O'Donnell. ;)

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  2. And at the price they charge, you might as well be marrying one of Heidi Fleiss's girls--beautiful as hell but you'll pay for the privilege. I'm an underpaid civil servant over here. :)

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  3. lol. that was a fun read. :)

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