Cursed

I love to play fantasy football, and each year it seems like I end up with more teams than the year previous. I limit myself to one league per year with an entry fee and prizes, and give that team most of my attention--this year, the fee and prizes were higher than ever. So you can imagine how psyched I was when I drew the number one pick--there was no question who I was going to take: last year's MVP, Shaun Alexander of the Seahawks. I couldn't lose with him, right?

Not even a week after the draft, I picked up my copy of Madden 07...and went to my league's message board and left a post with an expletive title, because there was my #1 pick on the box's cover.

Let's look at past Madden cover boys (excluding the big man himself) and their fates (all years listed are release years, not "model years"--the 1999 cover boys were for Madden 2000, and so on):

1999 - Barry Sanders: Shared the cover with Madden, and avoided the curse...by retiring before the season started.
1999 - Dorsey Levens: Alternate cover; his '99 season was pretty good, but he was pretty much done after that.
2000 - Eddie George: Yeah, anyone remember him? Didn't think so. He did OK in 2000 but pretty much dropped off the planet due to injuries. Too bad--he dodged the Heisman Curse, only to fall victim to the dreaded Madden curse.
2001 - Daunte Culpepper: Suffered his first knee injury during the '01 season; missed the last third of the year.
2002 - Marshall Faulk: He claims he's coming back, but he suffered what thus far has proven to be a career-shortening ankle injury during this season.
2003 - Michale Vick: Broke his leg in the preseason; missed most of the regular season.
2004 - Ray Lewis: The only defensive player on the box appears to have missed most of the curse. He missed the last game of the season due to injury, and failed to get any interceptions, but other than that, he had an average season for him.
2005 - Donovan McNabb: Hernia. T.O. Your humble blogger laffs and laffs.

Coincidence or spooky curse? It was revealed earlier this week and confirmed today that after three disappointing weeks, Alexander will miss a month or more with a broken bone in his foot. Man, I wish I'd gone with LaDanian Tomlinson.

Friday Videos

She ain't big, she's a whole lotta woman!

And, in honor of tonight's Law and Order season premiere...

What Would Willie Smoke

Talk about a "dog bites man" story....Willie Nelson got arrested with pot. I don't know about the 'shrooms, but can we just go ahead and decriminalize marijuana already? There has to be a more constructive use of cops' time than chasing after old men smoking a little reefer...especially in Louisiana.

End of an Era

I love the time of year when Sundays are essentially wasted days, spent on the couch watching the NFL, drinking beer and eating junk food. It's very different this year, and from my perspective most of the changes are positive. I don't have the expensive Sunday Ticket package, though I do get NFL Network, so from my perspective, the extra nationally televised games are a very good thing. I'm going to get to see a few extra Giants games this year that I wouldn't get to see otherwise, and other than when Joe Buck does play by play for games from a remote location, his addition to the Fox pregame show doesn't bother me as much as it does Mike over at the Outhouse Times-Picayune.

But something was missing from my football experience this Sunday. After the Jags-Cowboys game ended, I flipped to ESPN, as I have every football Sunday for almost two thirds of my life, to catch the highlights of the eight or so games I didn't get on NFL Primetime. But it was nowhere to be found...and as I found out yesterday when I went searching for its next airing on good old Google, it's gone for good. Now I understand how some of the younger set felt when they heard the Crocodile Hunter had died. I didn't watch it last night, and probably won't watch much of it in the future--it doesn't matter what they call it; if it's not on Sunday nights and not hosted by Chris Berman, it ain't Prime Time.

Fifth Anniversary

Here's hoping that our country, and civilized peoples around the world, will take a moment to reflect today on how important it is to defend our nation against all enemies, foreign and domestic, with action rather than rhetoric, and just how much can be at stake if we fail to do so.

2006 NFL Predictions

With the new season kicking off (bad pun intended) on Thursday, I thought I'd throw out some predictions to ridicule later, just like you can ridicule my baseball predictions from this spring, even though the pre-playoff "stretch run" has just started.

AFC East:
1. Patriots 11-5 - Even if Branch stays out for the year, Brady still has lots of weapons, and rookie Laurence Maroney will prove an excellent complement to Dillon at RB.
2. Dolphins 9-7 - If new QB Culpepper stays healthy, he's also got a top-tier receiver in Chambers, and the absence of Ricky Williams can only be a good thing.
3. Jets 6-10 - Chad Pennington is iffy at best, the Killer B's won't match Martin's production, and their defense is week.
4. Bills 4-12 - Holcomb or Losman? Who cares? They both suck.

AFC North
1. Bengals 11-5 - Palmer bounces back, the Johnson Boys put in their usual consistent performance, and the defense is solid as ever as Cincy hangs on to take the division.
2. Steelers 10-6 - If it wasn't for bad luck, Big Ben wouldn't have no luck at all...at least until it's game time. He'll bounce back, and the Steelers will return to the playoffs.
3. Ravens 8-8 - Captain Questionable (secret identity: Steve McNair) won't be able to pull off a full season, Boller returns at QB, and Mike Anderson returns to Earth without the Denver O-line.
4. Browns 6-10 - They're the Cleveland Browns. Meh.

AFC South
1. Colts 10-6 - Edge's departure hurts, but not as much as some critics think.
2. Jaguars 8-8 - An average team has an average year. Fragile Freddie misses at least 6 games throughout the season.
3. Titans 6-10 - Vince Young isn't ready, and Volek wouldn't start anywhere else. Neither of them will have a good receiving corps to throw to--their #1 is a #2 anywhere else.
4. Texans 2-14 - Bet you wish you'd drafted Reggie Bush now, don't ya?

AFC West
1. Broncos 10-6 - He won't win a Super Bowl, but Jake shows he's The Snake and not The Mistake. The running back by committee system works better here than anywhere else.
2. Chargers 9-7 - Rivers still has a lot to learn that you can't get holding a clipboard, but he has the tools. Defense doesn't suffer much from LB Steve Foley's idiotic behavior and subsequent shooting.
3. Chiefs 6-10 - The defense improves slightly as the offense continues to age and decline. Larry Johnson accounts for most of his team's total offense, to the delight of his fantasy owners and the chagrin of Chiefs fans everywhere.
4. Raiders 4-12 - Management had so much confidence in Aaron Brooks that they gave Jeff Freakin' George a tryout. That should tell you how this season's going to go.

NFC East
1. Giants 10-6 - It's a homer pick, but this is the best Giants team I've seen in years--maybe better than the squad that went to the Super Bowl in the 2000 season. O-line and defensive tackles are the only question marks.
2. Cowboys 8-8 - They start strong, but T.O. blows up his latest team in only a year after clashes with Parcells. If he wasn't happy with McNabb throwing to him, how happy can he be with Bledsoe/Romo?
3. Eagles 7-9 - The flip side of the T.O. coin--if the Eagles couldn't win with him, how well can they possibly do with Stallworth as their #1 target?
4. Redskins 5-11 - Other than wide receivers, they haven't added much to a team that was mediocre on good days last year.

NFC North
1. Bears 9-7 - Offense wins games, defense wins at least this weak division for Chicago.
2. Vikings 8-8 - Brad Johnson is just like Daunte Culpepper, except old, white, and without the arm strength or ground speed.
3. Lions 5-11 - See the Redskins, except without adding at wide receiver.
4. Packers 4-12 - This team is at the beginning of what will prove to be a long and painful rebuilding process. Favre goes out to a hero's sendoff, but a schmo's record.

NFC South
1. Panthers 12-4 - This is a Super Bowl caliber team, if injury-prone Steve Smith and DeShaun Foster can stay healthy.
2. Buccaneers 10-6 - Chris Simms isn't his father, but this team has great backs and receivers, and a defense that's better than it's been in years. Definite wild card.
3. Falcons 8-8 - Another team that pretty much does exactly what it did last year.
4. Saints 6-10 - Better than last season, but they're not there yet. Brees is an improvement at QB and Deuce's health becomes a non-factor with the addition of Reggie Bush.

NFC West
1. Seahawks 11-5 - A couple of minor adjustments over the offseason will be enough to keep Seattle dominant in this division.
2. Arizona 8-8 - An improved club, but their QB situation resembles that of the Titans with an inexperienced rookie backing up a vet who'd be a backup anywhere else.
3. St. Louis 6-10 - Decent backs and receivers, a weak defense, and a mediocre quarterback add up to a losing season.
4. San Francisco 4-12 - Frank Gore will be a pleasant surprise; Alex Smith will struggle with poor receivers.

Wild Cards
AFC: Steelers, Dolphins; NFC: Buccaneers, Cowboys

Super Bowl Prediction
Panthers over Bengals (after Peyton Manning keeps the Dan Marino analogies alive one more year).

Feel free to critique my picks or submit some of your own in the comment section!

The Beast's Cookbook: Quick 'n' Easy Cornbread

A couple of my pals are coming up to party over the Labor Day weekend, and I've got a pot of my semi-famous Beast's Bitchin' Beer and Two-Bean Chili waiting for supper. But chili by itself doesn't make a meal, so for a side dish, I've got some cornbread waiting to go along with it. You can dunk this cornbread in the chili, but I prefer to put it in the bottom of the serving dish, then put chili on top of it. There's no picture with this recipe, because I think everyone who tries my recipes knows what cornbread looks like, but this is a really simple way to whip up a decent batch. Making the batter takes about 5 minutes--you can pretty much do it all during the commercial break of a baseball or football game. I can attest to that.

1 cup flour
1 cup yellow cornmeal
3 tablespoons sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup 1% low-fat milk
1/4 cup vegetable oil
1 large egg

1. Heat oven to 400 degrees F. Spray a 9-inch square baking pan with non-stick cooking spray.

2. Combine flour, cornmeal, sugar, baking powder, and salt in a large bowl. Set aside.

3. In a separate smaller bowl, whisk together milk, oil and egg or egg whites. Pour the wet ingredients over the dry and, using a fork, stir until just combined. Do not overmix.

4. Spread batter evenly in pan and bake 20 to 25 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Cut into squares or triangles and serve immediately.

This recipe also goes swimmingly with jambalaya, gumbo, or other Cajun soups and stews. I've got some recipes for them as well, so keep a look out for them here as well.

Bonus tip: Glad Ovenware is the perfect size and shape for a pan of this cornbread. Put a squirt of cooking spray on it before you put it in the oven.

Vote for Pedro Squidly

My friend Squidly runs a great Seattle Seahawks fan/news site called simply, Hawk News Daily. His site will be in the NFL Preview issue of Sports Illustrated, and they're running a poll to vote for the best one. Head on over and give him a vote!

Yankees vs. Red Sox 08.06

I've been loving the hell out of this series. I was up till the wee hours last night watching the extra-inning victory for my Yanks last night, so this update is probably going to suck. But here's what a day in the life of me and my Red Sox fan friend Pat looks like when a game is on during working hours, in the spirit of Doug Mirabelli's Day, and extracted from our e-mail conversations:

7:30 - Joel wakes up, realizes it’s the start of the 5 game showdown at Fenway. Calls Pat on cell phone, calls him a shitdick 30 times.

7:33 - Joel puts fist through window after seeing footage of A-rod and Jeter botching routine pop up in last night's loss to the Orioles

7:41 - Joel goes down to basement, throws bucket of fishheads to person he has trapped down there…

1:10 - Joel puts feet up on desk, starts watching game.

1:12: Damon rips a leadoff triple into the rightfield corner, Joel lahffs and lahffs.

1:14 – Pat turns on Fox Sports tracker to see man on third and no one out against Jason Johnson. Pat rolls his eyes, unsurprised.

1:17 – Pat sees Derek Jeter has knocked Damon in and fallen behind to Abreu. Thought cloud forms above pat’s head of Jason Johnson wetting himself on mound.

1:21 – Thought bubble appears over Pat’s head of Jason Johnson at 6 o'clock tonight on the shoulder of I-95 with a hobo bindle and holding cardboard sign with “Wilmington” scribbled on it.

1:26 - Joel makes disparaging remarks about E-Rod’s sexual orientation following his latest strikeout.

1:27 - Pat smirks.

1:45 - Joel laughs at the Jimmy Fund babble on the TV instead of the NESN announcers while the game's going on.

1:46 – Pat can’t help but laugh as well.

1:51 – Pat reads Wikipedia article saying the British bought Berkshire county Massachusetts for 400 pounds, 3 barrels of cider, and 20 barrels of rum. Pat shakes fist at screen and says “those rich snobby Indians”. Pat then sees Jason Johnson made it through the second unscathed. Thought bubble appears over head with question mark in it.

2:08 - Joel gets a Coke from the soda machine and notices his change is a Mass state quarter. Thinking this an ill omen, he exorcises any possible curse by taking it to the men’s room, dropping it in a urinal, then using same.

2:23 - Joel laughs as the Red Sox leave the bases loaded. Wishes he had some booze to put into his Coke.

2:31 - Pat rolls eyes. Runs highlight reel in his head of his dramatic, series clinching, 10 inning win over Cardinals in PS2-land last night to make himself feel better.

2:37 - Wang gives up his first run. Joel spits at his screen.

2:38 - Pat cheers for Sox first run…and laughs at Joel’s use of the word Wang.

2:45 - ...and the avalanche of Yankee runs begins.

2:48 - Joel yells out the John Sterling call “Positively Damonic!” at the replay of Johnny D touching ‘em all. Then salutes the replay of Captain Jeter’s followup base hit. Laughs as Johnson heads to the dugout in shame. Says “Johnson” a few more times. Giggles.

2:52 - Pat wonders of groundskeepers had to clean up pile of filth left on mound after Jason Johnson defecated himself on the mound during that last inning. Calls Joel a shitdick for using the term “giggle.”

3:10 - Joel sees bad, bad things in store after Man-Ram’s dinger.

3:22 - Pat raises an eyebrow after Hinske’s double. Hmmm…

3:26 – Pat concludes 1 run is better than none. However, sees another Damon homer in near future.

3:37 - Joel claps and cheers for the Giambino. 2 run lead and we’re still threatening a Boston jobber I’ve barely even heard of.

3:37 - Lowell makes a rare error and Snyder folds like a cheap tent. Pat supposes he can't be too angry at Snyder, he is what he is, but it's been a common theme the last 6 weeks. Get right back in the game, then give the game back. Common theme the last 6 weeks. Pat is about as unsurprised as they come.

3:38 – Pat informs Joel that Kyle Snyder was cut by the Royals in May.

3:39 - Joel applauds A-Rod’s ribbie double—about time he helped them win a game instead of lose one.

3:40 – Pat grumbles, "Get back into the game then give the game back. Same shit, different day."

3:41 - Joel reminds Pat that Aaron Guiel was cut by the Royals too, but the Yankees managed to hang in there through his tenure in right.

3:43 - Pat informs Joel he was simply stating a fact, and that he has admitted many times his anger and frustration over the sox (save for Papi, Manny, and Schill, and a couple others) folding like a cheap tent at the slightest sign of adversity.

3:47 – Pat remembers stating after they lost 5 of 6 to the Devil Rays and Royals that the Sox didn’t deserve to make the playoffs. Reflects on how much he hates being right all the time.

3:47 - Joel reminds pat that even though it looks like the Sox have pretty effectively shit the bed, anything can and often does happen to Joel’s teams. And if that’s not consolation enough, the Sox get to face Sidney Ponson for game 2. Joel’s not sure which will be higher for ol’ Sid, his ERA or his blood alcohol content.

3:51 – Pat thanks Joel for consolation. Closes Fox Sports ticker. Realizes he has lost the ability to feel disgust…as all his disgust was used up after they lost 5 of 6 to the D-Rays and Royals.

3:53 - Joel suggests Pat reopen his ticker, as Mark Loretta has just led off the bottom half with a double, knocking Wang out of the game.

3:54 - Pat gives a jerk-off mimic, feigns excitement. Re-opens ticker anyways.

3:59 - Papi grounds out to the mound. Joel resolves that if the Yankees get out of this with 8-3 lead intact, he’s heading for home.

4:02 – Pat concludes he mentally checked out of work about two hours ago after he got his conference call done. Will fill out one more form then check out patio party.

4:03 - Posada grabs the popup to end the inning, Joel heads for the parking lot, assuring Pat he WILL be calling later.

4:07 Pat gives Joel finger through computer.

Nice to see that a work day can be so productive!

A couple of updates....plus MySpace!

I made a couple of changes to the site while I watched the last few innings of the Yankees twin killing of the hated Red Sox this evening....

-I fixed the link to the Brooklyn Blowhard's latest blog incarnation. His link was redirecting back to this site. Ironically, I made the error while stone cold sober, but found and fixed it after downing the better part of a twelve-pack of Old Milwaukee Light. For the HTML nerds, I put a - in place of the = in the "a href" tag. If you like this site, you'll like quasi-XM-celebrity Blowhard more...and he updates more often than I do.

-I also put up a link to my very own MySpace page. I'm curious to see if I have any regular readers beyond the Blowhard and the six other people I know in real life. So if you've made my site part of your regular reading ritual (see how I used alliteration there?), then head on over to my MySpace page and add me as a friend. Then you can berate me to update more often and to be wittier when I do decide to post something.

Thanks for reading, everyone, and have a great weekend. I'm going to enjoy the rest of the Sox-Yankees series, and I'll be back next week.

The Guildfather

Forget bookmaking, truck hijacking, extortion, and all those other fun activities mobsters engage in on The Sopranos. According to Microsoft, organized crime's next target will be online role-playing games like World of Warcraft and Everquest. Shouldn't Microsoft focus their efforts on keeping their own software secure instead of worrying about other developers' products?

Still, it should make for some interesting quotes....


"Leave the Thunderfury...take the cannoli."

"Hey, you got a phone? Two night elves just stole my truck."

"It's an Orcish message. It means Luca Brasi sleeps with the murlocs."

"Oh I like this one... One core hound goes one way, the other core hound goes the other way, and this paladin's sayin', "Whadda ya want from me?'"

"I don't want my brother coming out of that dungeon instance with just his dick in his hands, alright?"

London Terror Arrests

Anyone still think we're not at war?

At least 24 savages (at the time of this writing, 10 more are being sought) planned to get onto airplanes--fully loaded jumbo jets--traveling from England to the U.S., and blow them up in flight. Anyone still think we shouldn't be actively going after these animals?

The casualties from this attack, had it gone off as planned, could have rivaled or surpassed those from September 11th, and these creeps were armed with "mere" conventional weapons. Anyone still think we shouldn't react to intelligence suggesting that people willing to do business with anyone are trying to get WMDs?

These people continue to attack our civilians as well as our soldiers, while using their own civilians as cover for their criminal activities. They have no government with which to practice diplomacy and try to find a peaceful resolution. Anyone still think we shouldn't defend ourselves?

If you do, do us all a favor: stay away from the voting booths. Keep hiding your head in the sand and let those with the guts protect you.