The Iran With The Plan

They must have one helluva think tank over there in Iran. They've come up with a way to prevent both earthquakes and melanoma....all at the same time! I don't know how we manage to avoid an all-out war with a government as reactionary and backwards-thinking as this. How are we even supposed to relate to this? We have iPads and astronauts; they blame seismic events on the giant man in the sky getting mad. And these are the people we're supposed to want to improve our relationships with?

Wii-bles Wobble And Sometimes Fall Down

The headline on the front page of FoxNews.com reads: "Woman's Persistent Genital Arousal Blamed on Wii Fit". But open the article, and you'll get a completely different story. But you've got to hand it to them. Sex sells, and so do cool tech toys. Sexy tech? As Jim Breuer would say, "Jackpot!" See, this woman's problems weren't caused by some weird exercise or yoga pose that the Wii Fit told her to do. No, this clumsy bitch slipped and fell off the equipment and damaged a nerve. C'mon, Fox...this wouldn't even be a story if her condition were a result of falling off a treadmill. You can (justly) criticize other media outlets all you want, but running stories like this for the sake of ratings/clickthroughs/ad impressions just makes you look like a bunch of hypocrites.

Slow and Steady Wins The Race Gets You Yelled At

The 2010 baseball season is five days old, and already my beloved Yankees are the source of controversy. Seems the crew chief of their opening series against the hated Red Sox, Cowboy Joe West, wasn't happy with the pace of Tuesday night's game.

Well, excu-u-u-u-u-se us, fatbody. The game takes time because the teams take their time. This is only one of the most important series all year for both teams, teams who are going to be neck and neck at each other all year with not only a playoff spot but possible home field advantage for the ALCS and a trip to the World Series and, oh, yeah, by the way, about a gajillion zillion dollars on the line, God forbid they play the game deliberately, neither throwing the ball right down the chute or swinging at pitches in the dirt. If you don't like it, you can always go be an NFL referee...oh, that's right, I forgot, they don't pay as much as MLB does, so your fat lazy ass would have to get a job for the eight months of the year they're not in season, and no, I'm not counting the playoffs in that, because with your attitude and your Grand Canyon-sized strike zone, there's no way you'd ever get named to a postseason crew. If you don't understand the dynamics of the division structure or the fact that fans of this rivalry would gladly watch these two teams go head to head for eight hours, let alone four, then maybe it's time for you to move on and focus on your music career.

Health (S)Care

Well, by the time this update gets posted, Barry O. will have signed the infamous health care bill into law. Get ready for all sorts of fun shenanigans. Like the requirement that everyone except the very, very poor--including lots of people living paycheck to paycheck--buy health insurance that's going to become increasingly expensive. "But Beast," you say, "they already make you buy car insurance!" "Yes, stupid," I reply, "but car insurance is to protect other people financially from you in the event that you kill them or dent the fender of their Maserati while you're tooling around in your Yugo." Health insurance is exactly the opposite. If you choose to go without it, the only one you're putting at risk is yourself and your own household. This is a case of big government deciding that they know better than you what's in your best interest.

And to further illustrate the car insurance example...how about the "no denial of coverage for pre-existing conditions" example? This is the equivalent of calling up Liberty Mutual after you've already wrapped your car around a bridge abutment and being able to force them to sell you a policy that you can use to get reimbursed for its repairs. Sure, it's great for the person with the smashed-up car, but it's not a valid business model over the long term. Insurance companies (which are for-profit businesses, by the way) rely on the majority of people paying their premiums for at least a while before needing massive payouts in order to stay profitable.

But don't worry--the government-run Medicare and Medicaid will step in to take over a lot of the gap. Yep, that's what I want, the government, who can't even make a line to talk to a clerical worker run smoothly, managing something as complicated as my health care. Plus, in some states, these systems are already on their way to failure, and potentially dragging pharmacies and other medical businesses down with them.

But hey, we get the government we deserve, folks. Just sit back and watch some dopey bitch who's famous because she bred a litter better suited to a house pet than a human being dancing around, instead of getting informed. And don't come crying to me when your 401K is swirling in the toilet and you're waiting for days to get your compound leg fracture reset.

Beggars Can't Be Want To Be Choosers

Tastes so good, food banks ask for it by name!

Talk about publicity that's going to backfire. Imagine that you donate food, out of the goodness of your heart, to help those who are down on their luck or outright homeless...and they come back to you with a response worthy of John Kerry looking at a bowl of Chef Boyardee. Are you going to keep donating to these people? I sure won't. The arrogant, entitled attitude here makes me sick. Check out this quote from the article:

"Overall, if I'm going to cook, I want to be able to use my authentic products and brands because that's what's going to create the flavor that I want to achieve..."

Guess what? I don't pay taxes and bring food to collection drives so that you can have the flavor you want to achieve. This is for basic nutrition so that you don't starve to death while you pick yourself up by your bootstraps and get a freaking job. Anything above a white-label can is an exceptional bonus, and to ask for a brand name is to ask the people who support you to get offended and cut your snobby ass off for good.

More Over The Top Than Over The Top

I had a chance to watch Oliver Stone's magnum opus "biopic" W over the weekend, and all I can say is "wow". (And not in a good way.) I wasn't expecting Stone to give former (current, at the time of the movie's release) President Bush the Fox News treatment, or even fair and balanced treatment, especially in view of how he handled the subject of Richard Nixon in 1995 (suggesting, among other potentially libelous allegations, that Nixon was complicit with J.R. Ewing and a sketchy Cuban exile in JFK's assassination). But with W, Stone takes the cartoonish characterizations even further, and his cast is only too happy to indulge him. The worst offender has to be Richard Dreyfuss, as Dick Cheney. The real Cheney comes across in his media and public appearances as, well, a real Dick. Dreyfuss, on the other hand, is about as menacing as Shirley Temple, and he knows it, and so he snarls and sneers his way through the film and ends up looking like a Saturday Night Live parody character, rather than a serious portrayal. Add to that a series of events that just aren't supported by facts, and you end up with a film that even people who voted for Nancy Pelosi can't possibly take seriously. Oh, it's a good watch for unintentional laughs, like the Leprechaun series or Karate Kid III. But if that sort of laugh isn't your cup of tea, then stay far, far away.

Love Me Some Love Handles

Apparently, not only does being grossly overweight not only enable you to stop a nuclear meltdown in progress, but it also makes you bulletproof as well. I particularly love the article's ending quote from the shooting victim:

"I want to be as big as I can if it's going to stop a bullet."

This woman misses the point on two levels: first, unless she lives in the ghetto-y-est ghetto in Florida, she's far more likely to die from a heart attack, stroke, or diabetes than she is to ever get shot again. More to the point, if she got shot in the side fat, take away that side fat and that bullet misses altogether. With this level of cluelessness, I don't know whether to laugh at or weep for humanity. I guess it's a little of both at the same time.

How To Watch The Vancouver Olympics

Unlike the glorified track meet that comes around every four summers, I'm actually watching a fair amount of the Vancouver Olympics. Of course, with multiple channels devoted to coverage and lots of simultaneous events, I've had to create a system to prioritize my viewing. Here's my keys to winter Olympic viewing nirvana.

1. I'll watch my top-tier sports (hockey, curling) over my middle-tier sports (any kind of sled racing) over my lower-tier sports (skiing/speed skating/snowboarding).
2. If there's multiple sports from a single tier on, I'll watch a medal round over a round robin/preliminary round. If that can't break the tie, I'll watch Team USA over two international teams. If that fails, I'll watch a men's event over a women's event. (Sorry if that makes me sexist. Actually, no I'm not.)
   
3. If figure skating is the only thing on, I'll find something else to do. Seriously, I'd rather watch American Idol than that figure skating crap. And boy-oh-boy do I hate American Idol.

We're Doomed

Audiences depressed that Avatar isn't real

That's it, people, it's all over. I officially resign from the human race. I'm not sure which species I'm going to apply to for asylum yet, but I'm leaning toward "cat". I just have to increase my flexibility enough to be able to lick my own junk. Just to put it into perspective, as I write this, the headline for this story is sharing space with the Haiti earthquake and the prospect of over 100,000 deaths. If you're reading this, and you're suicidal because sci-fi isn't real, do the rest of us a favor and act on your urges, especially if you haven't yet reproduced. (And let's face it, that's the most likely scenario for anyone who's depressed because Avatar is make-believe.) Future generations will thank you for it.

Paying It Forward

Obama administration considering charging banks fees to recoup bailout funds

Apparently, whoever came up with this scheme doesn't understand how corporations work. They answer to their stockholders first, last, and always, and what's good for the stockholders is not to cheerfully pay these fees and leave everything else equal, taking the hit as a decrease in their bottom line. No, these types of fees get passed along to bank customers, with the end result being less money in taxpayer pockets. It's a way of raising taxes again without announcing, "Hey, everyone, we're raising taxes again!" Look, every dollar the government spends comes from one place: you and me (unless you're reading this from another country). Raising "fees" (government-speak for "taxes") to "recover" tax dollars spent on bailouts is just robbing Peter to pay Paul. The only way to truly "recover" the money without taking it out of the people's pockets is to cut spending--something that this administration doesn't seem to get yet.

Tiger, Tiger, Burning Bright

A few random thoughts on the Tiger Woods situation, since it seems to have been the only story in the news since Thanksgiving:

• The blitz on this story can be explained with a single word: voyeurism. Stories just like this show up every day on websites like TMZ and WWTDD and don't get nearly the attention of this one. This is an excuse for "legitimate" sources like ESPN and CNN to delve into celebrity tabloidism. And it's also an excuse for straight guys to openly pay attention to one of these sexy stories under the guise of "it's in the sports page!" instead of surreptitiously cruising through Ann Landers and Dear Abby for something scandalous when their wife isn't looking.
• A hobby is something you do that's more fun than what you have to do for a living. Guys like me work in an office for a living and play golf as a hobby. Tiger plays golf for a living--of course he gets blown as a hobby.
• A young prodigy, in the spotlight from a young age, with a domineering father who forces him to miss childhood while he focuses on his talent, becoming one of the most popular, recognized figures in the world by the time he's 30--sound familiar? Tiger's lucky his vice is adult women and not his own amusement park filled with barnyard animals and young boys.

BCS

The economy's still in a recession, unemployment is still at 10%, there's still no health care reform, and we still haven't won in Iraq or Afghanistan. But don't worry, the House is spending their time and your money telling the NCAA how to run their postseason.

Think the current BCS system is bullshit and a playoff would be better? Then don't freaking watch. Don't watch the games, don't buy the gear proclaiming your school as the "national champion", in short, don't make the current system the most profitable way for the NCAA to do business. That's how to get something that's of no consequence in the long run done--not by our legislative branch spending their time and our money.