We're Doomed

Audiences depressed that Avatar isn't real

That's it, people, it's all over. I officially resign from the human race. I'm not sure which species I'm going to apply to for asylum yet, but I'm leaning toward "cat". I just have to increase my flexibility enough to be able to lick my own junk. Just to put it into perspective, as I write this, the headline for this story is sharing space with the Haiti earthquake and the prospect of over 100,000 deaths. If you're reading this, and you're suicidal because sci-fi isn't real, do the rest of us a favor and act on your urges, especially if you haven't yet reproduced. (And let's face it, that's the most likely scenario for anyone who's depressed because Avatar is make-believe.) Future generations will thank you for it.

Paying It Forward

Obama administration considering charging banks fees to recoup bailout funds

Apparently, whoever came up with this scheme doesn't understand how corporations work. They answer to their stockholders first, last, and always, and what's good for the stockholders is not to cheerfully pay these fees and leave everything else equal, taking the hit as a decrease in their bottom line. No, these types of fees get passed along to bank customers, with the end result being less money in taxpayer pockets. It's a way of raising taxes again without announcing, "Hey, everyone, we're raising taxes again!" Look, every dollar the government spends comes from one place: you and me (unless you're reading this from another country). Raising "fees" (government-speak for "taxes") to "recover" tax dollars spent on bailouts is just robbing Peter to pay Paul. The only way to truly "recover" the money without taking it out of the people's pockets is to cut spending--something that this administration doesn't seem to get yet.

Tiger, Tiger, Burning Bright

A few random thoughts on the Tiger Woods situation, since it seems to have been the only story in the news since Thanksgiving:

• The blitz on this story can be explained with a single word: voyeurism. Stories just like this show up every day on websites like TMZ and WWTDD and don't get nearly the attention of this one. This is an excuse for "legitimate" sources like ESPN and CNN to delve into celebrity tabloidism. And it's also an excuse for straight guys to openly pay attention to one of these sexy stories under the guise of "it's in the sports page!" instead of surreptitiously cruising through Ann Landers and Dear Abby for something scandalous when their wife isn't looking.
• A hobby is something you do that's more fun than what you have to do for a living. Guys like me work in an office for a living and play golf as a hobby. Tiger plays golf for a living--of course he gets blown as a hobby.
• A young prodigy, in the spotlight from a young age, with a domineering father who forces him to miss childhood while he focuses on his talent, becoming one of the most popular, recognized figures in the world by the time he's 30--sound familiar? Tiger's lucky his vice is adult women and not his own amusement park filled with barnyard animals and young boys.

BCS

The economy's still in a recession, unemployment is still at 10%, there's still no health care reform, and we still haven't won in Iraq or Afghanistan. But don't worry, the House is spending their time and your money telling the NCAA how to run their postseason.

Think the current BCS system is bullshit and a playoff would be better? Then don't freaking watch. Don't watch the games, don't buy the gear proclaiming your school as the "national champion", in short, don't make the current system the most profitable way for the NCAA to do business. That's how to get something that's of no consequence in the long run done--not by our legislative branch spending their time and our money.

Silencing "The Voice of God"

Somehow, in all the media coverage surrounding Tiger Woods this weekend, this story seems to have been mostly ignored: Bob Sheppard has announced his retirement as the voice of the Yankees. Hardly a surprise--the man is 99 years old, after all--but he'll be missed. The man is a class act and a huge part of Yankee tradition--there's a reason why Derek Jeter uses a recording of Sheppard's voice for his walkup announcements at home. Thanks for the memories, Bob, and enjoy your retirement.

Good Riddance

Congratulations to Virginia for putting down the animal known as the D.C. Sniper, and only six years after his conviction. That's not sarcasm--these days, that's a pretty efficient timeline for death penalty states that aren't Texas. Kudos to outgoing governor Tim Kaine for deciding he might like to run for elective office again someday, and declining the clemency petition. And although it's a little late to give John Muhammed some parting advice, I'm going to do it anyway: maybe it's not such a good idea to shoot up the town where the nine people who have the very last word on whether you live or die call home.

Nothing Ventured Learned, Nothing Gained

Apparently, some elements of the extreme left didn't learn anything from Tuesday's gubernatorial elections. Just as the moderate-to-right element in this nation starts to reclaim some of the ground lost in 2008, the pinkos over at MoveOn.org are threatening to use their war chest to fund primary opponents for moderate Dems who don't vote for Premier Speaker Pelosi's health care bill tomorrow. Great idea, guys. Take away the advantage from people who mostly see things your way, and try to get some candidates out there who leave moderates no choice but to push the red button when they get into the voting booth. Do that, and just see how long your controlling majority lasts. I won't lose any sleep over self-inflicted foot wounds faced by the Dems, but I like to see the moderate element nurtured and grown within both parties. Without a viable third-party option in most areas, for many of us, the moderate is the preferable candidate regardless of affiliation. Compromise is king here in the good ol' U.S. of A.

27

Congratulations to my New York Yankees on their professional sports record 27th World Series championship! It's nice to walk around today basking in their reflected glory, getting congratulations from friends and coworkers for doing absolutely nothing. But along with the congratulations come the inevitable whines of "Duhr, you guys bought a championship with mercenary players, duhr." Really, genius? It's true, C.C. Sabathia, A.J. Burnett, Mark Teixeira, and Nick Swisher were all offseason pickups, and Chad Gaudin was acquired in a midseason trade, but every other starter--pitchers and position players alike--were either products of the Yankees farm system or have been with the team for four years or more. That's long enough for the mercenary stigma to wear off. Do the Yankees spend money on players? Sure. But in recent years, they've brought in just a few each year to supplement a strong core of players that they've developed themselves. So congratulations, Yankees. Enjoy a well-deserved victory.

Separated at birth?

Yeah, I said it. Tony Romo is dogshit. He has been for years. Like the aforementioned turd, turn up the heat, and he turns pale and starts to crumble. Like a nugget on the lawn, just apply a little pressure, and he falls all to pieces. From the fumbled point-after snap against Seattle in the '06 playoffs to just last weekend when he made Kyle Freakin' Orton look like Johnny Freakin' Unitas, this guy has never made the big play to win the big game. And yet the media is there, week in and week out, consistently ranking him in the top ten quarterbacks in the game. If that ranking is for the number of hot famous women he's banged, sure, he's right there behind Big Ben Roethlisberger. (I'll take Natalie Gulbis over Jessica Simpson any day of the week and twice on Sunday.) But in terms of actually playing in NFL games? He's halfway down the list, and that's on his good days. It's time for the sportswriters and talking heads to realize that this guy is not the second coming of Roger Staubach. The guy barely beat out an over-the-hill Drew Bledsoe to get the starting job in the first place. Hell, he barely beat out an over the hill Drew Henson to get the starting job in the first place. I'd say he's really the second coming of Ryan Leaf, but to be fair to Romo, he wasn't drafted in the first round (in fact, he wasn't drafted at all) and brought in as the savior of the franchise. Let's just call him the second coming of Elvis Grbac.

Why I'm A Yankees Fan

Because if I were a Red Sox fan, I'd have something in common with this load.

Seriously--they actually took court time to let a convicted criminal out of jail to go to a baseball game? He violated a restraining order--that implies a history of violence. (Based on the picture, it is possible that said order was taken out by the local bakery, however.) Thank God I don't live in Iowa; if my tax dollars had contributed to this, I likely would have stroked out.

I just wonder if they let him change out of his prison jumpsuit and put on his Sox jersey to go to the game. If they did, I'm guessing it was a throwback Mo Vaughn--that's the only one they make in his size.

Hat tip to my friend Pat ("proud" member of Red Sox Nation) for the link.

Gone Green

I never thought I'd join the "stop global warming at any cost" movement. But it looks like hell just froze over. Or at least the version of hell presided over by the Hop Devil. Of course, we could just start pushing the world's hops production north. There's plenty of unused space up there in the northern parts of Canada, Greenland, and Russia that could host enough hops farms to supply our craft brewers.

Hubby Chaser

Those wacky hippies at Ben and Jerry's are at it again--they've renamed their "Chubby Hubby" ice cream flavor to "Hubby Hubby" to celebrate the legalization of gay marriage in Vermont. But is it a step forward for gay rights--or a step forward for bloggers who go for the cheap joke? Check out the description of the flavor on the picture--those pretzels don't look so appetizing when they're presented in a gay context. And is it just a coincidence that the word "fudge" appears more than once in the description? Couldn't they have changed it to "chocolate", just for the month that the flavor is on the market? Either that, or just go for the obvious one....

"Packed with fudge!"